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I once read about people who purposely don’t have any mirrors in their house, because they feel they are unnatural. It’s an interesting idea, and it makes me ponder: what changes when we choose to stop spending so much time looking outside-in.

Literal mirrors aside, there does seem to be a strong inclination in our world, to spend a lot of time evaluating what we look like from the outside: Not only the, will people find me attractive, but questions like — will people think I’m a good person? A smart person? An admirable person? Am I worth something as an individual? Is my presence a good thing?

While being conscious of our influence on other people has it’s place in helping us all fit together, I have seen the self-destructive turn these ideas can take, when energy is put in the wrong places.

The most humbling of which, was last September, when my mother of only 69 years passed on. With her nuturing nature, and strong desire to be labeled as a good person, she kept delaying her own goals for the sake of helping others with theirs. “She could fill her own cup once she was done filling everyone else’s”. The problem was, as life can be unpredictable… in a few short months, she went from talking about all her exciting goals for her retirement, to instead, planning her last days.

Selflessness is often seen as an ideal trait. The person who is selfless is kind, loving, good, and trustworthy. My mother will always be remembered as such, by me, and many others. However, the price of that label for her was her happiness.

I have seen myself and my friends walking down similar paths. Pressures to do right by the kids. Pressures to keep our homes pleasant for others. Pressures to contribute enough, do enough, be enough, whatever that means to each of us. Sleep, play, relaxation – those things can come later once the work is done. The problem is, for many the work is never done…

We are not being true or kind to ourselves. Is that not it’s own type of cruelty?
Isn’t cruelty a bad thing?

Yet putting our work first is continually treated as the most honourable goal.

I am looking to change that. I am here to prove that I can be happy AND “good”. That by being kind to myself, I am being kind to my children, because I am modelling for them what it means to be happy. So that one day, they will prioritize their own happiness.

I am filling my cup, so that I can fill theirs. The days that I am happy and settled, I can stay calm when they are not. I can give valuable advice to their struggles, when the empty me would have been breaking down along with them. When I give myself strength, I am able to teach them how to be strong.

I am working to be happy, so I can be a good partner, a good friend, and a good member of society, because when I have love for myself, I can love others without needing anything from them.

So, let’s rethink some things.

For one, I plan to take more inspiration from my dear friend Rachel from the UK. Rachel never worries about how messy the house is for guests, because she says ‘if I always have the place spotless, then I’m re-enforcing the standard that things have to be that way, and that’s just not how life is’. It’s true! So let’s spend less time making the house look great, and more time making great memories in them with the people we care about.

Second, I’m allowed to take breaks when I need them, even if that means trading something else I think I should be doing. It’s ok if sometimes I need to plug the kids into the TV, or have us snack for dinner, or leave my to-do list for another day. Most of it can wait. If I’ve not enjoyed today yet, than that takes priority, because what’s the point of living if I’m never living TODAY?

And third and more generally, I’m going to get good at being bad at stuff. Real value in a person does not come from perfection as some fictional ideal. A person of value is someone who gives strength to the imperfection. Someone who inspires you to be just as you are, flaws and all. Mistakes make us learn. Mistakes make us real. And learning from our mistakes has the potential to bring us together more than filtering to just what’s “supposed” to be there, ever could.

I just hope I can find others to take this journey with me. So far, it has been lonely trying to take time for myself, in a world where no one else seems to have the time to enjoy it with me. But I will keep looking for those people, and in the meantime, I am going to do my darnedest to show kindness to all, especially myself.

Recently I joined a new social group online, a VRChat community. There, I learned of a new trend of introducing yourself with pronouns. As I am learning, transgenderism and gender fluidity, which during my childhood were virtually unknown, have now become so mainstream that it is considered insensitive to assume someone’s “gender”.

So anyways, here I was, on introduction night, person after person introducing themselves. “Hi, my name is […], my pronouns are she/they, and I ….”, “Hi, I’m […], my pronouns are he/him”, etc. etc.

It was a good night, but I couldn’t help feeling a bit melancholy from this new tradition, and it’s taken me some time to figure out why. First, a bit of background about me:

I am all about gender being a spectrum. Besides my support of others in this regard, I can also talk from personal experience.

I have had more close relationships with males than females. My enjoyment of programming and gaming have often dropped me in male dominated surroundings. As a kid I always had dirt under my fingernails. I loved catching frogs and snakes. At summer camp, I was the “spy” for the boys, in a girls cabin vs boys cabin plot. Sure there were “girly” things about me too, but my point is I was definitely not a girly-girl.

And, I don’t think I’ve put this in text before but here it goes…I’m very likely bisexual. Geez, it’s funny how that’s emotional to put down. I’m not exactly hiding that information, but it’s not exactly something that has had reason to come up in conversation often. I’m happily married. I have a husband and three amazing kids. I’ve never dated a woman. However, I can say that I do definitely find certain women attractive. I played spin the bottle once in college, kissed a couple girls, and can say I enjoyed that. There is a part of me, that had at that time been hopeful of getting an excuse to explore that side of me more, but that opportunity never presented itself. So, here I am. Anyways, I always knew I wanted to get married to a man and have kids, so I wouldn’t have been able to devote myself fully to anyone female anyways. Over my life though, I have had various dreams where I’ve been the male in relationships. Perhaps that’s me playing that out in some way.

So yeah…I guess, putting that in text here publicly on the internet is scary, because I’ve always had a bad habit of filtering myself to the audience I’m speaking to, and here I am not filtering. But I suppose there are other things on this blog which could receive equal distain if shown to the right audience. Perhaps this blog is my baby step to being me in front of people who are not going to approve of me.

Ok, pronouns. So, I get it. There’s a lot of pressure in our culture to be a certain way if you’re male, or if you’re female. Recently I’ve been struggling with what to do about that with my six year old son, because, he sees his big sister get dressed in pink, glitter, and fuzzy things, and so he wants to copy and get the same. And, why shouldn’t he be able to?

At this age, we’ve been discouraging it because we don’t think he’s old enough to grasp the social implications of those decisions. That said, our plan is that when he’s older, has more of his own preferences beyond copying his sister, and gets how the world works a bit more, that he can decide then for himself what he wants to represent for himself.

It’s hard though, because it doesn’t feel right still. Any child or adult alike should be able to like what they like and dislike whatever they like without it shoving them over some invisible line in the sand of “who they are”.

And that’s my point, really. The thing I don’t like about the new use of pronouns, is that I feel like people have given up the struggle to remove the line in the sand. Stay with me:

With the feminist movement, women fought for their right to do the same things men were allowed to do, while still being a woman. They could wear pants, have careers, be tom-boys, etc., and still be a proud female figure.

Now-a-days, I feel like if you’re that same tom-boy, instead of learning to be proud of who you are, you’re instead handed this idea that your genitalia are “wrong”, that you need to jump over that line in the sand and join the other team to be accepted into society. In other words, instead of accepting the beautiful fluidity of personalities that can all come under one set of genitalia, we’re teaching this new generation that they need to “pick a team” even if that team is not a perfect fit.

“But what about the ‘they’ pronoun??” I’m sure one of you is asking at this point. The thing is, the group of non-gender pronouns just makes one third “I’m not picking a team, don’t pick one for me” bucket. But it’s still a vote for using gender terms as a personality definition rather than the original genetic origin of the term. And the problem with that is, you can’t define in spoken language a person’s femininity or masculinity in one word. We’re too complicated for that.

It’s like deciding that from now on, everyone has to change their name to one word that defines their personality. Sure, you could pick a word that “feels closest” for you at that moment, but is that one word going to truly convey to the people you meet who you are? Most likely not, because you’re a beautiful and complicated person built up layer after layer into a person that is not only unique but constantly changing.

So, why are we trying to give people the “too long didn’t read” versions of ourselves, in the form of a pronoun, instead of fighting for our right to have our genitalia not define us?

Love your body. Love what you were born with. Inside and out. Our genes are not our definition, they are part of our origin, that is all. Just like telling people the country we’re from.

I’m American. I was born and raised in the United States. Sure, there are people who might make assumptions about “Americans” the stereotype, but is that me? Me, who has swam against the crowd most of my life in pretty much everything I do? I haven’t even lived in the US the last 13 years. I’ll still introduce myself as American though if people ask. Why? Because that’s part of who I am. It’s where I started.

Most people these days, though, get that a person’s country of origin is only a small piece of who they are. Hence, we do not usually feel the need to hide this information about ourselves. Yes, there is still racism going on in the world in places, but overall, having that pride in where we came from usually gives us a strength that outweighs any negative that might result from exposing that part us. That’s a great thing. Let’s do that with gender, and get our pride in our full selves back. Reproductive bits and all.

Hi, my name is Karen, and my pronouns are what I was born with (she/her), but that’s not the whole story.

There seems to be two main types of people out there:

“The Mainstreamers”

They trust that the systems and beliefs put in place by the general public are to be trusted. They believe that these things win the general vote because these things are correct. They trust the experts. Doing their own research is not worth their time, and may just end up misleading them anyways (since they are not “the experts”).

“The Questioners”

These people believe in doing their own research before making any significant decision. They acknowledge that society is capable of putting practices in place for the wrong reasons. Likewise, systems and beliefs followed by the general public can be outdated. “Experts” are still human with all their biases, so advice is taken with a grain of salt. Everyone is responsible for thinking for themselves.

The Lives of the Two

Mainstreamers tend to judge Questioners harshly. They do not understand why these people continue to disrupt the balance, and won’t step back in line. To a mainstreamer, it is so obvious what the right answers are, and they have all of society backing them up! Many believe Questioners should be forced to comply with the standard.

Questioners are constantly shifting and working to improve the way they live their life. As life goes on, they continue to notice more and more aspects of their lives that they have not yet questioned. Those aspects are then researched, and the research often leads to change. They are very aware of the mainstream view of them, and often fly under the radar, finding their support from other Questioners.

Funnily enough, in my experience, the conclusions of the Questioners are often very similar to each other, even though their thought process is based off of exploring all possibilities.

If you are a Questioner, you most likely relate to many of the following:

Natural focused
Eco friendly
Homeschool
Unschool
Anti-vax
Co-sleeping
Attachment parenting
Gentle parenting
Breastfeeding
Babywearing
Elimination communication
Holistic
Alternative medicine
Vegan/vegetarian
No (sham)poo
No makeup
Freebirth / Homebirth
Organic
Outdoorsy

(And probably others I haven’t thought of…)

Also worth noting, is that while many Questioners share beliefs, they still seem to be much better (in general) at being accepting of people with completely different viewpoints, then the average Mainstreamer.

This would seem logical though, given Questioners are already predisposed to the concept that the right answer is not always obvious, and that the right answer today might not be considered the right answer tomorrow. Besides, what Questioner wouldn’t jump at the opportunity to explore another concept they hadn’t considered!

Of course, these are all generalisations. I have met Questioners who judge others of a different perspective very harshly. Likewise, I have met the odd Mainstreamer who has been completely non-judgemental to alternative views. And of course, there are people who transcend the two types in various different ways. I’m only listing the trends.

Either way, we have a problem.

The world is at war at the moment between these two groups of people. The Mainstreamers, who want the Questioners to stop rocking the boat, and the Questioners, who want their personal freedoms and choices recognised.

And the biggest reason for the conflict? There’s no safe place for communication between the sides!

Time after time, I’ve seen cases where Questioners try to share their opinion out loud to the general public. And the result? 10/10 times they get beaten down – insulted, ridiculed, and labelled as a threat to the general accepted view. Then with experience, they learn not to share anymore.

How can anything be fixed, when Questioners aren’t allowed to bring their concerns to the general public? Mainstreamers will continue to make their assumptions of why Questioners act the way they do, and Questioners will continue to feel threatened and oppressed. When one side of the argument is suppressed, no joint conclusions can be reached.

We need to acknowledge each other as fellow humans just trying to make the best decisions with the information we have. And we all need to learn to listen to each other with a kind and empathetic ear, ready to compromise, while allowing for freedoms of perspective and choice.

Until that happens, we continue to live in a world filled with fear on both sides. A world where, given the right seeds of compassion, we could instead learn SO MUCH MORE from each other then we do today.

“Does your daughter sleep through the night yet?”

When Jade was just 6 weeks old I got my first night of not needing to get out of bed all night, which if you talk to pretty much any parent, is pretty phenomenal.

Even on average, I was only getting up about once per night. The reason I was able to get so much sleep? The wonders of bed sharing!

When you sleep with your baby all curled up at your side, you can basically feed them in your sleep, so that means the only reason to get up is to change them. And I don’t know about all babies, but Jade doesn’t eliminate in her sleep, so if there’s a wet nappy it’s because she has properly woken up for some reason.

That means once she got used to the day-night cycle she was happy to sleep through, because who needs to wake up when you only need to nuzzle in for a snack?

To be fair, the scenario I’ve painted here is for the breastfeeding mother, which I know isn’t everyone. I completely recommend breastfeeding if you’re able, but I’ll go into that more another day. As for now, regardless of how you feed your baby, bed sharing is a great way to connect with your little one and be there for them.

I often hear stories of parents struggling to trick their baby into sleeping without them (or giving up and letting them cry themselves to sleep), the long nights of getting up for constant feeds, and the artificial solutions like trying to feed them filling substances before bed. It just doesn’t make sense to me. Why struggle so hard to find a solution to a problem that nature already solved?

We were made to sleep with our babies. Think about it. If you were out in the wilderness, like so many animal mothers, would you really want your vulnerable little sleeping baby to be sleeping separate to you while predators were about?

So why have people formed this habit? Parents have been made to be scared. As with all areas of life, there are ways for things to go horribly wrong. Bed sharing has been labelled dangerous by some, and because of that the public eye has turned away from it. That is why it is important to look up rules for safe bed sharing, just as you should for having them sleep in their cot.

If you are safe in the way you bed share, I personally feel it’s much safer than it they’re sleeping separately, because you have a better sense of if they need you. I will admit that, in the first few weeks of bed sharing with Jade, there were some times when I accidentally pulled the sheet over her head when I was trying to cover myself. She didn’t like this, so she would start wriggling and that would alert me to the issue so I would then fix it.

If she had accidentally gotten her head covered while sleeping in a cot (which can happen if you don’t put the baby towards the bottom of the mattress), I doubt her wriggling would have been enough to alert me.

By the way, if you are thinking “but I’m a heavy sleeper! I might not wake up!” know this: you’re instincts as a mother will wake you. I have always been a very heavy sleeper. In fact, I even slept through an earthquake once. However, even from day one when I was exhausted from giving birth, if my little girl started wriggling in her sleep I was instantly conscious.

That said, if you are not the birth mother of your baby I don’t know how it works, so I would recommend looking it up. Regardless, do look up bed sharing safety if you are considering it.

Some of the rules we follow include having a bed rail on our bed (mattress on the floor also works), no drugs or alcohol, making sure to get enough sleep, and arranging sheets, blankets, and pillows so that baby is not in danger of getting her head covered by any of them.

By the way, the solution we ended up with for the sheet covering issue was for me to have a separate small cellular blanket which I use just for my shoulders. This way the sheet stays well below Jade’s head as it only covers up to my waist.

To sum up, we have been bed sharing with our daughter since day one and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I mean really, who doesn’t love cuddling up to their sweet little sleeping baby, going to sleep, and then waking up to that curious little face looking up at you in the morning?